We Need Our Village Back

For some time now, I've been lamenting the demise of our "village."

When our parents grew up the whole neighborhood helped raise them (and probably had spanking privileges). And when I grew up you could best believe that any neighbor would quickly tell my mother or father if I was ever seen someplace I wasn't supposed to be. There was an "we're all in this together" mentality and a thinking that my child is my responsibility and your child is my responsibility because at the end of the day, we are all in this community together and one success is our collective success and one failure is our collective failure and affects us all.

Somewhere along the way, we lost this village mentality. The changing economic climate has dictated that we move away from relatives or that we move often because of job opportunities. As a result, we never really grow roots in our communities anymore. We don't have our extended family of aunties, uncles and grandparents nearby anymore.

This week Women's eNews hosted a screening of Tonya Lewis Lee's powerful documentary on reducing infant mortality and improving maternal health, in celebration of the second year of The Black Maternal Health Project. It was a full house. The film, Crisis in the Crib--Saving Our Nation's Babies (view the trailer here) speaks directly to preconception health, mobilizing young people as peer educators in the movement and putting a face and voice to the infant mortality issue. The conversation afterward with Tonya and our fabulous guests was even more empowering.

We couldn't understand while infant mortality remains a taboo topic in our country's agenda. Even when you remove African American statistics from the equation, the United States still had an embarrassing ranking as far as infant mortality is concerned. We couldn't understand why maternal health is absent from the current debate about healthcare reform. And we certainly couldn't understand why very little is being done to save our most vulnerable population. There was so much that didn't make sense.

But here's what was crystal clear. We can't wait for the government to solve this crisis. Yes, we have to push for laws. But we also have to advocate in our communities to remove some of the social barriers to our health issues. We need to advocate for safe places to exercise, removing toxins from our communities, having fresh fruit and vegetables available in our communities and more.

It was clear that we need our village of womenfolk. And then some.

In Crisis in the Crib, the 'Healthy Baby Begins With You' Campaign,  takes on a peer education model. It uses college students to go into their own communities and also speak to high school students about preconception health. It goes back to that "village" mentality.

That night of the screening we deployed our own village, a room full of women of all races with personal and professional interests in embracing mothers and producing healthy babies. We thought of ways we could let our own network know about the OMH campaign, spread more awareness about the problem, or help be a part of the solution.

We saw the powerful ripple effect that could be sparked just from those in the room doing one thing. For that evening, we brought our village back. And it felt oh so good.

What can you do to help bring our village back to our babies? What more can we be doing? I'd love to hear from you. Please post a comment here.

Bruce Jenner, Breastfeeding and Keeping it Real with the Kardashians

Earlier this week, after a long day of deadlines and meetings, I was desperately in need of a mindless television moment and channel surfed my way to the "Keeping up with the Kardashians" reality TV show.

 

Have you seen this quality production?

 

Three sisters on an unclear mission. One became famous for having a big booty (an apparent first for a non-black or Latina person), another recently married an NBA superstar after two months of dating, and alas, the third, Courtney, is very pregnant. At least in this episode she was. (I know from a recent trip to the supermarket checkout line that she has already had her baby and sold all the pictures.) But I digress.

 

In this particular episode, the often reviled baby daddy, Scott, did the unthinkable. He didn't show up for a breastfeeding class. O.M.G! Courtney returns home in a huff. Scott says, he didn't think he needed to go to a breastfeeding class because it has nothing to do with him. Courtney lets him know with a few well-timed F-bombs that it absolutely does have something to do with him and if he doesn't "get on her team" immediately then the relationship is over. Drama!!

 

Scott, feeling like he just received an unwarranted tongue lashing from a hormone charged pregnant woman, heads over to talk to Courtney's step father, Olympic great Bruce Jenner. Scott tells Bruce his story. "Breastfeeding is not about me," he says, looking for manly sympathy. Bruce, in his infinite wisdom and having scaled a few hurdles in his own life, sets him straight. "It is about you. It's about support."

 

Ahhhh, a teachable moment in reality TV. I feel like notifying some authorities.

 

But yes, men, breastfeeding is about you. And you don't have to have graced a Corn Flakes box to know it. In fact, many moms say their partners' attitude and support played a major role in whether or not they continued breastfeeding. This is particularly true in the black community.

 

Consider these striking findings from a recent survey by the Bravado Breastfeeding Information Council, or BBIC. (Full disclosure: I'm an advisory board member).

 

When asked to choose the person who had the most important influence in her life as a nursing mom, almost three times as many women selected their partner (54%) over their mothers (21%), even if their mother had breastfeeding experience.

 

Approximately 70% of mothers consider their partners support to be extremely important to their overall confidence as a new mom, and their overall well-being as a nursing mother.

 

With our historically low breastfeeding rates and our woefully high infant mortality rates, it is really important to get our men on board. They are an important part of our "village."

 

If you or your partner don't know what he can do, I found these great tips for Dads.  Share them with your man.

 

1. The first thing a father can do to promote success is to create a positive family atmosphere toward breastfeeding. As a practical matter, breastfed babies need to accompany their mothers whenever possible. A father who views a baby's continual presence as intrusive will subtly undermine breastfeeding. The father who naturally assumes that his baby will accompany the couple to restaurants, movies, dinner parties, and meetings has given breastfeeding his strong endorsement. There's a big difference between a man who agrees to let his partner breastfeed and one who deliberately creates an atmosphere of success.

 

2. Fathers can play a key role in bolstering their breastfeeding partner's confidence by showering them with compliments, praising their efforts, and offering words of encouragement. When a woman is under extreme stress, a man may not know how best to support his mate. He may be uncertain whether she wants to hear, "Don't give up; you can do it!" or "You've done your best. It's okay to switch to bottle-feeding." If you are not sure how to respond to your partner, try explaining that you don't know exactly what to say, but you want to support her in any way you can. Just being a sounding board might be all she needs on a specific day.

 

3. A father can help in so many ways that it's hard to imagine why many men feel left out when their wives breastfeed. A father can go to the baby when he or she awakens and bring the hungry infant to his wife. While the mother is nursing, he can pour her a nutritious beverage, massage her shoulders, compliment her, and lovingly admire his nursing baby. After the first breast, he can burp the baby and help arouse the infant for the second side. When the feeding is complete, the father can change the infant and put him or her down to sleep.

 

In the BBIC survey, moms said, partners could best help by changing diapers, listening to them, praising them, supporting them with family and friends, and burping the baby as key examples of support. 45% of moms would like more help with chores and 36% would like their partners to get up with them at night.

 

So you see Scott, and thousands of other Scott-like men, we do need you. There is much for you to do. It is about the support. Thank you Bruce Jenner.

 

Watch this video to see the webcast of the full release of the BBIC's findings on women and breastfeeding.

 

A National Day of Dialogue on Domestic Violence and Teen Dating Abuse

Last week, I was invited to Liz Claiborne's "It's Time to Talk Day" --a national day of dialogue on domestic violence and teen dating abuse, where leading voices come together for a day of radio and blogging about an issue that doesn’t get enough talk time. (Learn more at www.loveisnotabuse.org)

 

I couldn't help but feel a bit emotionally spent dealing with such a heavy and important issue. But there is another area of domestic violence that rarely gets discussed—domestic violence during pregnancy.  

 

It is estimated that one in five women will be abused during pregnancy. What’s worse, homicide during pregnancy now surpasses the previous leading causes of death (automobile accidents and falls), for pregnant women.

 

It is more important than ever that we know the signs of domestic violence and start talking about these issues in our community. 

 

Enter activist and philanthropist Malaak Compton Rock. The wife of my favorite comedian, Chris Rock, takes service very seriously (check out her many projects at http://www.angelrockproject.com/) .

 

But last week Malaak and I had a candid conversation about domestic violence in the Black community. And I think all black women and black men need to listen: 

 

Kimberly: How is domestic violence different for us?

Malaak: "The silence is killing us. I think the white community has done a good job showing that domestic violence is not a poor woman's problem. They have changed the face of domestic violence to show that educated, career women suffer as well. We haven't. "

 

Kimberly: I think that if you are "successful" and you have that positive black family image going on, there’s even more pressure to keep up that appearance and not break up another black family.

 

Malaak: “You're right. There's a lot of fear of breaking up the family, and we need more affluent women to come out of the closet. There is a fear that I'm alone. We have to take the stigma out of the issue and add more faces and voices to that pain. I think it needs to start in Black magazines and even websites like yours.”

 

Kimberly: What can our men do?

,

Malaak: "I will tell you this, my husband is very aware of how he treats me because he knows our two daughters are learning how to be treated by a man by his dealings with me. It all starts in the home. Fathers need to be involved with their daughters, teaching them what they deserve and should expect in any future relationship."

 

Kimberly: That's powerful.

Malaak: "I know this, women who are strong, confident and secure in who they are were raised by fathers who instilled that into them."

 

Even though our community has disproportionately high levels of single female-headed households, we can’t get around how important our black men are to saving our communities, our babies and ourselves.