Single and Pregnant: Telling My Story

 I've committed my life to talking about Black women having a "fabulous" and powerful pregnancy, but to be honest, there was nothing fabulous about how my pregnancy journey began.

It was the summer right before I was to begin the Knight Bagehot Fellowship and do my Master's at Columbia University and I went to London to spend the summer with my girlfriends and my new British boyfriend. Well, let's just say I came home with more than just a hankering for tea and biscuits.

We were both shocked and it was a heavy burden for a relatively new relationship. When I told my parents, my father cried. Even though I was 29, on my own and with a very successful career, it was a big family disappointment for where others saw my life going. When you are put on a pedestal, any fall is always a harder fall.

Then I got the phone call. Weeks after coming to New York for my first prenatal visit, my baby-daddy (who, just to keep you confused, I later married and am now divorcing) called to say that he couldn't deal with an unplanned pregnancy, he was confused, yadda yadda yadda . . . he's out of there. The next time I would see him, my daughter was 11 months old.

At this point in my life, I redefined loneliness. I had lost my deepest friendships, was disfellowshipped from my religious community, I had been abandoned by my child's father, my mother (because of her religious beliefs) was not able to support me, and I was in one of the most challenging fellowship programs there is. I cried every day for weeks. No seriously, every day.

And because I suffer from "Strong Black Woman" syndrome and like many of you, wear the reputation of the entire black race on my back, I refused to tell any of the truly wonderful people in my fellowship program that I had become another black statistic: Unwed mother. Absent father. Instead, I launched a black male PR campaign full of stories of his involvement, excitement, and "sorry, you just missed him" visits. Geesh!! How exhausting! (Btw, when I finally came clean with them several months later, they were the most supportive bunch ever!)

My sister said that as a "student" I could probably income qualify for WIC to help with the high prices of healthy food in New York City. And I will never, ever forget the day I walked to 125th Street and into that Harlem office and got WIC. (That is another blog!)

But I knew this baby only had me. And I was scared as hell. I knew I had pretty much no one to count on to help me through this pregnancy but myself. And so I began to research everything. In my researching to save my sanity and help my baby, I stumbled upon the sobering statistics about black women and our high rates of low birth weight and pre term pregnancies that inspired me to write my first book, The Mocha Manual to a Fabulous Pregnancy years later.

With the help of some great new friends, a few old ones, my sister and a lot of prayer, I survived the darkest period of my life and still had a "fabulous" pregnancy. Having a "fabulous" pregnancy is all about your mind set and nothing about your circumstance. I finished my coursework early, delivered Kayla on schedule and walked down the aisle with her in my arms to receive my Master's Degree a few weeks later. I was able to have a successful freelance career, buy a new car, get a great apartment and stay home with my little one. And I never asked for a dime (or pence) from her father. She is still my Triumph Baby.

Do you have a triumph baby? Did you overcome your circumstances to still have a "fabulous" pregnancy? I'd love to hear your story.

Pregnancy and Swine Flu. Get Answers.

Outside of the medical community, every mama, auntie or Big Mama in your family, neighborhood or church has their own old wives tale about what to do and what not to do during pregnancy.

If that weren't enough, the recent spate of H1N1/ swine flu is a real concern for everyone especially mothers of young children and pregnant women. Who should get the vaccine? Is the seasonal flu vaccine just as effective? What's in the vaccine? You see, a lot of questions.

The CDC has recommended that healthy pregnant women get vaccinated against the seasonal flu. Yet new data shows that only 20% of those who are currently pregnant plan to get a flu vaccine this season. I'm sure that number is much higher among black women.

What gives?

Well, for one, let's face it, our community tends to distrust the medical field anyway and the government runs a close second. And the internet is full of so called experts, scary stories and more, it's hard to know what is correct and what is potentially harmful.

To help, the Association of Women's Health, Obstetric and Neonatal Nurses (AWHONN) and the National Women's Health Resource Center (NWHRC) have launched a new campaign, "Flu-Free and A Mom-to-Be: Protect Yourself, Protect Your Baby -- Get a Flu Shot!." The "Flu-Free and A Mom-to-Be" campaign aims to educate health care providers and their patients about the importance of both the seasonal flu and the H1N1 vaccines. You can check it out here, and download helpful information.

 

If you are looking for a safe place to ask questions, get live answers and talk to other parents, please click here to register for a free webinar on Thursday, November 19th at 8pm. The webinar is open to everyone and co-hosted by Heart and Soul magazine and MochaManual.com, my online parenting community.

 

The chat will feature two leading specialists from the American Academy of Pediatrics who will lead an open discussion and Q and A. Dr. Renee Jenkins, is chair of the Department of Pediatrics and Child Health at Howard University and immediate past president of The American Academy of Pediatrics. Dr. Meg Fisher is a pediatric infectious disease specialist and chair of the infectious disease section of the Academy. Both of these amazing women are committed to giving our community the answers they need to make their own decisions.

Get all the info you need to protect yourself and keep you, your growing baby or newborn infant healthy. You owe your little one that much.

Seeing My Slave Roots: Thinking of the Mothers Before Me

Staring at the computer screen, I could barely make out the letters. But I will never forget what I heard. "These are likely the slave owners of your second great grandfather."

The very nice researcher from Ancestry.com had warned me when we sat down that she may have found some slave connections, but I figured, of course you would.

But staring at the Census report from 1900 and seeing the nearly illegible names felt a lot different than I expected. My mind was numb but my body had goose bumps.

Back then the Census was purely door to door. There was a large white family with sizable land listed as next door to my ancestors. And then I saw it, Phillip Billy, born in 1861 and his wife, Hagar, born in 1865. My second great grandparents on my mother's side.

And since there were no integrated neighborhoods back then, the fact that they are listed on the same street probably means that the family listed above Phillip and Hagar were likely their slaveowners--as it was gently explained to me. I stared hard at the handwriting but didn't bother to try to figure out the name. It started with an M.

The discovery was part of a mommy blogger day I attended recently hosted by Ancestry.com. A truly great experience in beautiful Salt Lake City! But as the only African American at the event, I couldn't help but notice my experience was very different from everyone else. There were plenty of stories from the staff of finding long lost ancestors in ship records, Ellis Island records, and in other countries. People were finding third and fourth great grandparents and other amazing ancestral connections. My discovery was a lot more sobering.

And the truth is, African Americans just can't trace their roots so easily. There are no records for our existence because we were not considered human beings.

If you really want to dig, the researcher also said, sometimes you can find slaves listed in the wills of landowners, often bequeathed behind cattle and other beasts of burden, she said. And because slaves could be killed for learning to read or write we were unable to document our own existence.

There was so much that I couldn't find, but was hoping to discover. I hoped to return with great stories to tell my children. That really didn't happen.

What I did find was generations of ancestors who could not read or write. Their children could not read or write. I found young babies who were listed in one year's Census but missing from the next count--they likely died. I saw large families of six or seven children of very young mothers. I saw ancestors who were only 8 years old but listed as working farmhands.

I wondered what it was like for those mothers whose babies died too soon and whose children were forced to work instead of learn. I thought about the "broken relationships" that researchers now believe contribute to poor birth outcomes today among Black women and whether these are a lingering legacy of slavery.

A report by the Joint Center Health Policy Institute called "The Courage To Love," contends that the problems of infant mortality and poor maternal nutrition are, in essence, problems of broken relationships at many levels. These broken relationships range from broken families, lack of support for breastfeeding, the decline in family meals, and the marketing of junk foods to children.

"These broken relationships create lifelong conditions of high stress and low support, which in turn pattern physiological, psychological, and behavioral responses that put the mother at risk for poor, nutrition during pregnancy, and her baby at risk for fetal and infant death. African American families are disproportionately affected by these broken relationships, which contribute to disparities in maternal nutrition and infant mortality," the report says.

In the end the report recommends that "any efforts to reduce maternal and infant mortality and morbidity must focus on the repair and support of relationships at all levels and across the life course."

The black mothers before us didn't have such insight. There was no research into their unique experience or examination of why their babies were dying. Generations later, Black mothers are still fighting for healthy babies. We now have a better understanding of why. Let's hope this insight leads to real action.

 

Michael and Mama's Milk: A Lesson in Breastfeeding

Recently, a conversation around our dinner table began a little something like this:

Michael, my 5-year old: Mommy, did I used to drink milk from your breasts?

Me: Yes, you did

Son: Why?

Me: Well, it makes you healthier and smarter. Mama's milk is why you're so smart.

Son: Is that why I'm the only one in my class who can read?

Me: Yes

Son: And why I can ride a two wheeler and why I can tie my shoes by myself?

Me: Yes and yes.

By now I hope you get a sense of how my brainwashing works. Yes, I know my comments may not be completely scientifically proven facts. But he's my child to brainwash. Go get your own kid to tell your truths!

As far as I'm concerned, we have a multi generational effort on our hands when it comes to breastfeeding support in the black community and I'm starting early.

I'm hoping that this young black male who will hopefully have his own wife and children one day will remember my enthusiasm and even my exaggerated benefits of breastfeeding and someday wholeheartedly support his wife if she chooses to breastfeed.

For now, I talk to my son and daughter about how much I enjoyed the breastfeeding experience (which is the gospel truth!) even after I was still trying to wean my daughter at 14 months and then my son cut teeth at 4 months. Ouch!

Sometimes when my children don't eat properly I threaten to put them back on the breast so I can make sure they get their proper nutrition. LOL! I tell my nine year I will have to come to her lunchroom, whip it out and feed her. You should see the look on their faces. It is so funny!

But the low breastfeeding rates in the Black community are no joke. For over 30 years, African American women have had the lowest breastfeeding rates. The numbers have greatly increased in recent years, black moms still trail all other ethnicities. And when it comes to the gold standard of infant nutrition--six months of exclusive breastfeeding, among African Americans the rate is only 20% compared to 40% among whites. And as much as I respect a mothers' right to choose what feeding method works best for her lifestyle, I think there are some strong cultural forces at play that often cloud the issue. I also think that with so many dire statistics on the infant mortality rates among African American babies, we have a deeper responsibility to give our babies every possible advantage for a healthier start in life.

That's why I'm so honored to be an advisory board member of the Bravado Breastfeeding Information Council, which is dedicated to getting a full and diverse sampling of breastfeeding views for their research of the emerging trends, obstacles and challenges faced by nursing women at home, in the office, and other aspects of her life.

I'm asking all women of color to please take this brief survey  to add our perspectives to the research on breastfeeding attitudes and behaviors. You will be entered to win one of five $100 Target or Sephora Gift Cards. Whoo hooo!!

As you know my life's work involves making sure women of color are included in any and all research on the motherhood experience. Well, here is an important opportunity. Please share your voice.